I believe that any occasion is an occasion to dress up for. Morbid, distracting, inappropriate or otherwise. Why waste the opportunity?
My grandmother died on New Years Day, peacefully in her sleep, and at a ripe old age. It was a sad and somber moment, the day of the actual news, but overall she lead a long, varied life, and that is something to be celebrated.
When it came to her funeral the following weekend (a very small and private, family affair) I pondered what to wear. I asked myself sartorial questions like ‘Is black passé?’ and ‘How can I honour her memory whilst retaining a sense of self?’
Hear me out… fashion is my language and we all do what we need to cope.
In the end I opted for an off-the shoulder cashmere jumper, suited to the drizzly and grey southern summer day it was, paired with a Mrs Miller pencil skirt (the long version, I’m not that attention seeking), a bag bedazzled in faux pearls by Staud (an eBay gem) and a pair of pumps. Think city secretary but make it mournful.
Feeling as fab as I could’ve in my ensemble, when I arrived I noticed that my other relatives, who were in attendance, were wearing an array of different looks - from jeans to florals, from Sunday best on a Saturday to practical work-wear.
This got me thinking, what on earth is one supposed to wear to a funeral these days?
Funeral’s are a funny one. Obviously there’s spectrum of reason as to why they might be happening to begin with, and with that comes a spectrum of sadness, but there’s a common purpose - someone who was in your life is no longer there and they deserve a farewell. The question is how do you say goodbye to them in style?
Now a funeral is clearly not the moment for couture, nor casual. The main indicator of what’s to come is the venue. If it’s set to be at a traditional funeral home or church perhaps don’t don yourself in anything too out there, whereas if it’s a funeral being hosted in a garden (common in Christchurch, at least) don’t necessarily weigh yourself down in heavy layers of black.
Beyond practicalities such as the above, prioritise the person to whom you are bidding adieu. If they were an intrepid spirit who’d travelled the globe, or a little old lady who spent their last years at home in a rocking chair, think of that as you dress for their funeral. Don’t do this from a place of judgement either, rather do it from a place of doing your best to represent who that person was on the day.
I say this because, as a friend reminded me last week, the way to carry on someone’s legacy is to integrate and incorporate a little bit of their spirit in you and take that with you as you continue to live. A literal way of symbolising that in yourself is showcasing that at their final farewell.
There are no set rules with funeral dressing. Unlike weddings, which equal no white (now that is a moment for florals!), with a funeral the rule is more ‘Wear black or whatever you like.’ Go hard or go home?
And what about other things, accessories? beauty? Obviously don’t do a smokey eye on the day and don’t forget your enormous sunglasses. But how far can you push the bling, the bedazzle, the finishing touches. Again, I think you need to bear the person you’re saying goodbye to in mind. In my case my Grandma was a pearl girl, hence the choice of Staud purse and classic pearl earrings that I decided to wear to her goodbye.
You need to remember the person who has without forgetting yourself too. Whoever is leaving your life was in your life for a reason and likely loved/liked you as much as you did them. Bring your best self to their funeral, you never know, they might be watching and in that want to see you showcasing your authentic self, not wearing a morbid uniform.
Scene from Death at a Funeral. Not necessarily a film for funeral fashion guidance, but good for a big dose of funny.
I know I’m making light of a sad situation. Of course death doesn’t just take away the elderly. A premature death is a terrible thing. What does one do when a friend dies young, unexpectedly, or after a long illness? The sadder the death the less likely you’ll want to be pondering what to wear. And if you’re going through something like that I am so sorry (though I will still say that the same guidelines of funeral dressing apply).
Funerals are a weird, sometimes wonderful, thing which we are all set to experience many times throughout our lives. Grief creates a fog which hinders decision making. (Perhaps my take on the above proves that this recent dose of grief has made me truly lose my marbles).
I do think the main trick with funerals in general is to honour the person who’s gone, regardless of the circumstances that took them. A way of doing that is dressing the part. Wear black if you want to, but that’s not the rule. And most importantly, bring your best self to the occasion and send them off in style.
As for my funeral, I expect those who outlive me to dress up to the nines for the occasion. I’ll make it worth your while - in my will there will be provisions made for a martini fuelled, Mad Men-esque wake complete with sexy bartenders. And if you dare wear Birkenstocks, or anything else equally hideous, consider yourself haunted.