I have been working on a novel this year. In the novel my main character is rather wonderfully neurotic, and slightly low on self-esteem (she’s just been dumped). I’ve started to send out the first draft to a handful of select friends for their feedback, to which my more woke peers have said I can’t comment on body-image the way I have been.
Now this is not a newsletter that’s generally about body image (even though last week’s topic was all about Tits vs Trends). Yet what this feedback has made me realise is that I am a diet culture hypocrite, and it’s not my fault.
My age group (true millennials) bridge the gap between grapefruit diets and body positivity. We were conditioned as pre-teens to diet, yet now we are being told to embrace our cellulite. It’s all rather… confusing.
I myself have never been a stick. I’ve always been a voluptuous hourglass and slightly more bountiful than my friends. I have a balanced frame which means my flesh is distributed quite evenly. My weight is also quite consistent and I regularly exercise and sort of watch what I eat.
However, having grown up watching Trinny & Susannah and Bridget Jones, at a size 12 I still feel fat. I know that I’m not actually fat, but I still feel it a lot of the time.
So much so that I decided to go to a nutritionist last year. When I first met with her she put me on the worst diet imaginable, meat-heavy and joy-free. I was so constipated and so grumpy, AND I didn’t even lose a gram! This year I saw her again and she told me I needed to lose 6kg and that really sent me into a spin. She might have cured by B12 deficiency but I fear I’ve left her rooms feeling even worse than before.
Well actually, how I really how I feel is just generally bad. I feel bad for being so self involved as to even care. I feel bad that I feel better when I lose a kilo. I feel bad when I know I’ve eaten too much. I feel bad for not feeling more confident. I feel bad for the days my stomach isn’t flatter. I feel bad that I don’t wear Spanx more often. I mostly feel bad that despite cultural shifts I still think that I’m a bit fat.
My thoughts on my body are an absurd series of contradictions that really reflect the culture I’ve grown up in. Perhaps the real problem is that whatever the current culture is, it’s always set to make women feel bad.
I say this whilst acknowledging how the body positive movement has also helped me (as has generally being able to accept myself more as I grow in age, body and soul). It’s not just about weight either - I happen to have a series of large surgery scars on my back, stomach, feet and chest, which I’ve come to accept thanks to this movement. I’ve also realised that it’s lead me to judge other women a hell of a lot less. I no longer look bigger bodies with disdain as I was trained to. Though I fear I still look in the mirror with a critical eye.
This image was taken the day after my nutritionist told me to lose 6kg. I think she might be full of shit - as I was after doing her 30 day diet plan.
The other irony of those stories we consumed from the early noughties, the Bridget Jones and the What Not to Wear’s, is that all of these platforms were actually set up with the aim to actually make women feel better. At the end of BJD, Bridget is embraced by her dream man (a boring lawyer) for being “just as she is.” Trinny and Susannah created looks for women who had felt invisible, enabling them to see how beautiful and confident they could be.
In so many ways, culture then wasn’t actually as harsh as we now make it out to be. And maybe one of the reasons we feel bad is because we are no longer allowed to like rom-coms or reality TV which once made us feel “seen”? Maybe this means that one day we will look back at our “candid” selfies now and smirk?
That aside, the question still remains: Do I want to lose a bit of weight? Honestly (and I say this with some shame) yes. I have been trying to lose five kilos for my entire life. Yet do I feel better about my body as I age? Yes. Thanks to body positivity, life experience and conscious self-improvement, I feel much better about myself compared to before.
So, what to do? I know that society is to blame, yet I know my own views are my responsibility. I know I need to continure to increase my self esteem, and I also know I need to decrease my carb intake (fact: I eat way too much pasta. As in WAY over the recommended amount).
I guess we all just have to be a little kinder to ourselves… And if you enjoy a Richard Curtis film AND half a block of chocolate in one sitting, well you’re probably a millennial like me and I’d love to join you on the sofa!